Lost
...and I don't mean the TV show. Slowly, over the past few weeks, a series of...emotions and thoughts bouncing around inside my head, have started to become clearer and clearer. It is the realization, that as a person, I am completely lost. By lost I mean...directionless, purposeless. Meaningless.
It is becoming increasingly apparent to me, that my life is...inadequate. I run through a basic daily and weekly routine made up of...job, games, friends. It is the same thing week to week, day in and day out. My life can be quite simply reduced to a combination of life, computer, and comic shop visits. Not much meaning there.
Also quite apparent to me, is that this is all my fault. It is a cage I've built for myself, out of surrendered dreams, and desires slowly given away to apathy and inevitability. What's even more disturbing to me, is that I don't know how to change it. For as far out as I can project it...it's the same. Except it won't be the same. I seem to be the only person I know that isn't moving forwards somehow. My mother and father continue to refine their ideas and their writing. Len works on something similar...even Oscar and Chris are at least in college, with their own ideas of what they want--with varying degrees of insanity therein.
Only I remain the same. I'm afraid that I gave up everything that could help me long ago...to other people's expectations, or at least what I thought they expected of me. It terrifies me, the thought that I might live out a long, healthy...meaningless life. That this is all I'm good for now. To give away my time to something I don't really care about for money, and to spend the rest of my time in another world, trying desperately to escape reality...even for a few more minutes.
I would ask for help--but I know there isn't any. I have learned, long and hard, that the only person who can help me is myself. It must be done on my own strength, or not at all. I've ruined too many friendships trying to draw on others for strength to do that again. All of my live, from the very moment I was born, I've fought, fought for life, fought for something better, fought for myself....I just wonder if I've finally hit the one wall I can't break down or go over...
It is becoming increasingly apparent to me, that my life is...inadequate. I run through a basic daily and weekly routine made up of...job, games, friends. It is the same thing week to week, day in and day out. My life can be quite simply reduced to a combination of life, computer, and comic shop visits. Not much meaning there.
Also quite apparent to me, is that this is all my fault. It is a cage I've built for myself, out of surrendered dreams, and desires slowly given away to apathy and inevitability. What's even more disturbing to me, is that I don't know how to change it. For as far out as I can project it...it's the same. Except it won't be the same. I seem to be the only person I know that isn't moving forwards somehow. My mother and father continue to refine their ideas and their writing. Len works on something similar...even Oscar and Chris are at least in college, with their own ideas of what they want--with varying degrees of insanity therein.
Only I remain the same. I'm afraid that I gave up everything that could help me long ago...to other people's expectations, or at least what I thought they expected of me. It terrifies me, the thought that I might live out a long, healthy...meaningless life. That this is all I'm good for now. To give away my time to something I don't really care about for money, and to spend the rest of my time in another world, trying desperately to escape reality...even for a few more minutes.
I would ask for help--but I know there isn't any. I have learned, long and hard, that the only person who can help me is myself. It must be done on my own strength, or not at all. I've ruined too many friendships trying to draw on others for strength to do that again. All of my live, from the very moment I was born, I've fought, fought for life, fought for something better, fought for myself....I just wonder if I've finally hit the one wall I can't break down or go over...
posted by Jonathan at 8:38 PM
3 Comments:
I am sure that you will soon find focus in your life. Your at a point that everyone hits at about that age. Generally from here, people spend the next few years trying different directions, seeing what makes them happy. (Thats basically what even college ammounts to, a giant sandbox where you can try different things until you find a career that you like. Except of course, it has one hell of admission price, for a sandbox.)
Don't worry, everyone, even I, were once at the crossroads on which you stand. Once you do focus however, you will find that it creates a driving focus on which you can build your dreams.
-MadCackler
I try to find differnt avenues for my interests. More often than not this means looking through bookstores, but that's not the only option in the world.
I try to always find differnt things to experience during the day. It might be something on TV or just going out in public and running in the middle of "normal life."
Just try looking into different things. Something might get you moving out of that feeling of being lost really fast.
hey i know that life can be bring at some times, but you should just like drop everything for like 2 or 3 day and go out and explore for something and if you find what ur looking for,if you want go back to ur life or do something new alil difference everyday
later
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