*sigh* I shouldn't post this late. And definitely not feeling like I do right now. Not sick, or anything like that. I think depressed is the word. Lost.
It's become obvious to me...painfully so, especially after a few conversations I've had with some friends of mine, how...directionless I am. I don't have a purpose in life, right now. I don't have a base, something to center on. It used to be my martial arts, but then...I kinda quit, for a number of reasons. As it stands, I don't feel like I'm doing anything of any value.
I mean...I work. I play my computer games, and talk with friends, watch TV...and that's pretty much it. And I don't know what to do. I don't know what will make it better...make me better. I guess that's the point. I'm not satisfied with who I am. Mom says I should learn to be content with where I'm at...but I can't accept that. All my life, I've kept moving, in a sense. Kept going, heading forwards at something. But what do you do when you've run out of goals? When the stuff you might fix on, you've given up on?
I've given up too much. Given up too much of myself, to other people, to expectations, to what's "right" or "normal". I can't shake the feeling that I gave away something important, something that would give me a clue on what to do now...and that it may be I'll never get it back. At least I'm saying it. At least I'm not stuffing it down. Writing it out here helps, some.
Too many questions. Not enough answers...
It's become obvious to me...painfully so, especially after a few conversations I've had with some friends of mine, how...directionless I am. I don't have a purpose in life, right now. I don't have a base, something to center on. It used to be my martial arts, but then...I kinda quit, for a number of reasons. As it stands, I don't feel like I'm doing anything of any value.
I mean...I work. I play my computer games, and talk with friends, watch TV...and that's pretty much it. And I don't know what to do. I don't know what will make it better...make me better. I guess that's the point. I'm not satisfied with who I am. Mom says I should learn to be content with where I'm at...but I can't accept that. All my life, I've kept moving, in a sense. Kept going, heading forwards at something. But what do you do when you've run out of goals? When the stuff you might fix on, you've given up on?
I've given up too much. Given up too much of myself, to other people, to expectations, to what's "right" or "normal". I can't shake the feeling that I gave away something important, something that would give me a clue on what to do now...and that it may be I'll never get it back. At least I'm saying it. At least I'm not stuffing it down. Writing it out here helps, some.
Too many questions. Not enough answers...
posted by Jonathan at 2:40 AM
1 Comments:
I know a few people in the same position these days; one of them I see a couple of times a day, except for the fact that he's always backwards. Still, I think that's one of the good uses for web logs--you can vent your frustrations to yourself and get feedback from the exact same rant.
Just find something that makes things seem worthwhile and focus on that. Goals... those come eventually. Stick with what you care about. It works a good deal of the time.
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